Fierce Desperation: Trusting God as Healer (For Yourself in Real Life)

She had a wound, and she was bleeding (Mark 5:25-34).

Years of trying to stop the bleeding, slow the bleeding, cover up the bleeding, understand or control the bleeding all brought her to this place of still bleeding.  Crushed hopes, abandonment, and hundreds of unanswered prayers gifted her with a fierce desperation but nothing else.

People shunned her because she was bleeding.  Today my bleeding sisters and I would rather banish ourselves to the fringes of society.  We hide our wounds and when the blood spills over we hide ourselves.  Some of us bleed jealousy, insecurity, bitterness, and control issues in a way that sabotages our relationships long before anyone can recognize our woundedness.

This past year I looked at myself in fresh awareness and had a painful realization.  It’s been 8 years since my dad died and beneath the surface of my clean white bandages, I was still bleeding.

When the counseling and the books and the prayers of those first few years felt like time and money misspent; I settled for the calm I found in fresh starts, new ambitions, and suppressed emotions.  God was so present, so comforting, and I felt close to Him through the whole process- little did I know He was dreaming so much more for me.  He waited for me to be ready to not only call Him healer, or prescribe Him as healer, but to TRUST Him as healer.

I’m in a season of getting to know “Jehovah Rophi”, God who heals.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

  • It’s a much longer road than I expected. Grabbing on to Jesus healed the woman of Mark 5 instantly, but I’ve found it to be my starting point.
  • It is more painful, more abundantly good, more work, and more rewarding than I imagined. Moments of intensity followed by periods of waiting; surprising and ridiculous grace one day and desperate tears of recognition the next.  Intense goodness and grace, intense anguish, and plenty of waiting all dance to a rhythm I haven’t quite learned yet.
  • Much like physical healing, so many things are connected.  This sounds simple, but caught me by surprise.
  • Deep soul work requires a ridiculous amount of energy and focus, I’ve needed to take care of my body and clear my schedule in a way that may not look necessary from the outside.
  • I’ve needed more help than I wanted to take.  My spiritual director, therapist, husband and close friends have all made it possible for me to have time, space, and perspective on all that is moving inside me.  I really wanted to just keep this between God and I.  I was ready to pray a lot but definitely not admit to anyone else that I was bleeding.  Like my role model in Mark 5 I had to go public with my need for help, and that was harder than I thought.  Inviting others into your healing is NOT selfish; it’s a gift to them and a necessary part of the process.  Ask God who He has planned to be on team YOU alongside Himself.

If this is all feeling a little familiar or maybe a little uncomfortable, I wonder if you may be bleeding too.  It’s easy to limp along, unnoticed, and incredibly painful and scary to take that bandage off for the first time and let the light and air reach a wound.

Maybe now is not your time.  Everything is a season, and “healing” is not for the faint of heart- it’s for the fiercely desperate.

What would it look like to recognize your wound and grab hold of Jesus?

Who or what could God use to speak truth, life, and further His work of healing in you?

If you are bold, you may consider beginning with a simple prayer.  “God, I’m bleeding.  I’m available to hear from you, be moved by you, and be healed by you.  I trust you as creator, keeper, and lover of my soul.”  And in the quiet moments of the day, with simple breaths continue to pray “I’m available” and wait.

I pray that Christ’s hard-earned freedom would be realized in your life as you walk this path- may you discover a beautiful side of God as you experience His healing.

8 thoughts on “Fierce Desperation: Trusting God as Healer (For Yourself in Real Life)

  1. Lori Dabak says:

    Sharing from your heart that is bleeding and broken is not easy. These are sacred places and you’re inviting many to see and experience first hand the Divine Healer in your life. I’m right in this with you. Tough,painful and messy. Love you more because you’re embracing so much of what real life is about.

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    • Liz Ditty says:

      Amen, sista! I would much rather yell from the mountain tops “I’m HEALED!” than to admit that “I’m healing”. For all of us who are on that road- it’s time to admit that there is plenty of company 🙂

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  2. Krysten says:

    Came across your blog yesterday and when I read this, I knew why. I am amazed by how God used this one article to shine light on my own healing–all the jumbled pieces seem to be so obviously connected now. I typically have a vibrant, positive personality, but in this most painful year of my life, I am limping along. I am BLEEDING. Your writing here made me realize that it’s okay for this to take a long time. It’s okay to have ups and downs in my healing, and it’s okay to not understand it all right now but to just trust that He does. Thank you for allowing your talents to be used as a little slice of my healing.

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    • Liz Ditty says:

      Krysten I am so glad you stopped by, and I hope you hang around. You are so welcome here. My friend was describing the way healing felt to her and she said it was like having a productive fight with her husband- a necessary, hard conversation that you know will be worth it but still feels icky in the moment. The work you are doing now to surrender to God’s healing in your life will be worth it- hang in there. Take care of yourself and let your circle know you need help! God will use them in your life. Love and prayers, Liz

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  3. Krysten says:

    Thank you for the encouragement. I am so blessed to have a wonderful group of women who are my team, and they are well aware of all that I’ve been going through. They’re praying and encouraging me through this hard stuff! I am so thankful to have them, and to have an extended “team” of people that God has put in my path (such as timely authors!)

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  4. Adelle Gabrielson says:

    Losing a parent leaves a wound that never really heals over, but God’s grace allows us to live in spite of it. Wish I couldn’t relate to you so well on this. Wish I didn’t feel exactly the same way about this story from Mark. Wish we weren’t all bleeding from somewhere, but there it is. Beautiful words, neighbor. I’ve learned in my journey that it’s our own experiences that help others along our way to heal. Thanks for boldly sharing your broken places!

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  5. Julie Holly says:

    God’s timing is IMPECCABLE! This piece was so timely, as in, got off the phone conversing about healing and then read this! Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful words! Your kindness and warmth shines through.

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